I don’t really know where to begin. My brain kind of took a turn for craziness one weekend and then I changed everything. I locked myself into my room one morning and spent the entire day drifting in and out of sleep and being awake, the conscious and unconscious really. I honestly could not think past, what am I trying to say? Because I don’t know what I am saying and I think that is really important thing to know as an artist. Aren’t we creating stuff so that we can say something and then have people respond to it so that dialogue and conversation begin and expand from there?

So, I really started noticing this problem around March of last semester. I really have issues communicating about what is going on in my head. My thought process has gotten so political (constantly filtering the honesty so that it comes out in a diplomatic fashion that I don’t know how to express anything from the depths of me anymore) everything has become business, it wasn’t real almost. I had a hard time dealing with a lot of my issues last year. I couldn’t really talk about them to anyone, I didn’t know how to and more importantly I had spent so much time pretending that everything was okay that even when people cared about my well being they had gotten to the point where they had stopped caring because I would stop them and say “no, I’m okay, everything is okay.” 

And it wasn’t. At all. 

Back to being in my room- the conscious meets the unconscious, meets the subconscious really (I hope you are following this). Well, I realized that I have a fear of admitting that something isn’t working and finally had taken a moment to admitt to myself that my current track for my senior project just wasn’t working… at all… I did not have the amount of people necessary to build the characters I was trying to portray and honestly that is a major mistake on my part. Dance is already confusing then trying to make the audience follow my story line without the necessary amount of people to do the roles I wanted them to take on would just be one epic failure on stage is what I’m basically saying. My dancers were confused about who they were and where it was going and so was I. It got to the point in the last rehearsal before my “breaking point” if you will, that I was fumbling over my words and just stopping rehearsal because I couldn’t even vocalize movement, correction, or anything— something that had never been a problem ever before. What was wrong with me? What was I trying to say?

My question was somewhat resolved when I realized that what I’m trying to say is, that I don’t know why I can’t say anything. And so the research began. Communication issues. Where do they start? What causes issues? What are typical communication barriers? How do they effect relationships? It all boiled down to one word, communication. My senior project had a new topic to expand on. 

Am I nuts? Perhaps. But it’s working. Essentially, I start at the same place in the piece that I had originally planned to start, only this time I wasn’t going to focus on how my main character (Sarah) has been affected, which means I am no longer trying to portray the memories that she keeps thinking about that had caused her to get to the point that she couldn’t say anything- but instead we now get to see Sarah doing what I did the day that I locked myself into my room and wrestled with myself to find what I was trying to say. 

When I approached my cast about everything changing, they actually seem relieved. Somewhat nervous for me because I had so much to catch up on (ironic that I would have to play catch up when I started this process so long ago) but like I said, it’s working. I already have section one and two complete after just three rehearsals. Section three is 2 minutes into the choreography and looking great so far, three more minutes to go on that and then into section 4 which is about 5 minutes and then the final moment at the end where Sarah faces her issue. I’m excited and look forward to going into rehearsal now because I actually like watching what I am seeing take place. 

The update:

Music— Excerpt from ‘4 or 5 trees’ by Rachel’s, Half Life (instrumental) Imogen Heap, We have a Map of the Piano by Mum, I know you are but what am I by Mogwai and excerpt from West by Menomena

Costumes:

Formulate a color palette and a general aesthetic direction with the help of Melanie Lea (a dear friend of mine and future fashion designer) We decided to play with muted complimentary colours. I like it so far. 

Aside from all of that I only have two more rehearsals with my cast before Christmas break— hoping to finish the third section and then come back second semester to finish up the fourth section. I’m hoping to find deeper inspiration while I am away from Jackson and in NYC. 

Ok. It’s been a while. So much has changed. Here’s the update:

Rehearsals 

Aug 29 was the first official rehearsal process with my full cast. I met with the ladies for the first hour and was definitely an emotional ride. In one of my classes the teacher had brought us through an exploration dealing with color and the use of the body to cover ourselves in that color. I thought it might be an interesting concept to use with the dancers, but instead of thinking of color, using the floor as the idea of a partner that will never leave, essentially the presence of the Lord and his constant effort in our lives. There was a sweet moment of seeing of the ladies sitting on their knees, faces and sternums lifted upward and for a moment, I could see that all of them were relaxed and worry free. Surrendered. Made my cry and made me excited, this was the beginning of something I don’t have a complete idea of what it really is, yet.

Sept 5 was cancelled due to labor day weekend and mine and Sarah’s tragically long travel back from Texas through a tropical depression. Also, Java informed me that she would have to drop the piece due to some illness within her family. My heart was saddened for more than just hearing the hurt her family was going through, but also feeling like I had to let go of one my “senior family members.” 

Sept 12 was a hard rehearsal because Spencer, one of my male dancers, came to me with a sprained ankle but was unsure of the extent of the injury. It was a trying rehearsal, kind of felt I was running out inspiration for this piece, lacking vision almost. Got some things done, added length around 2.5-3 minutes at this point.

Sept 19 ended up being a showing… Had rehearsal with the duets and then everyone came to show the disconnected bits and pieces to Mr. Stephen Wynne. My cast did a great job for what they had to work with, my frazzled thought process and missing cast members (Java and Spencer). They looked really beautiful and I received some really good insight from MW. Mostly, because the showing was almost two weeks early, he encouraged to keep pressing forward. I have a hard time getting stuck on making some look aesthetically pleasing, or making it just right from the beginning. Because MW knows me so well he encouraged me to not work how I usually do, but to press forward and allow myself to think about it, go back, look at it again, and change where places need to change. Also, the piece was starting to look almost monotone in the movement, the dynamics blended with the melody and almost faded away. He then challenged me to break this. I began to think about it almost non-stop.

Sept 29 I came really frustrated to this rehearsal, kind of sad, stressed out, very emotional and not knowing what to do honestly. It made it worse when Hudson broke my heart by informing me that his whole life dream was dangling in the air based around an MRI he just had and the news that came afterwards. Little did we know, he would have to forfeit his place in the piece so that he can take care of his back and go on a physical and spiritual journey of learning patience, learning to listen and to receive healing. 

Aside from how I came in, I left completely refreshed. It was amazing actually. A huge inspiration of movement came almost screaming out of my body, movement totally opposing the music for the most part (thank goodness) and really beautiful when my dancers did it. Tears would roll down my cheeks occasionally and found myself truly being loved on by my dancers simply because I saw how much they loved doing the piece and their attack of the movement (which is really difficult at times). It was a sweet time with my cast and felt encouraged. (I’m starting to see a trend though, ups and downs, up and downs… I guess that’s kind of what a journey is?)

Oct 3 was the rehearsal where I realized I needed to lock myself into my room and think, process, think some more, and then try again. Dry and unmotivated, and stuck in a place where I don’t know where to go next. Something is missing from the piece, not quite sure what it is. Losing clarity or changing direction, perhaps both? I have almost 6 minutes of choreography complete in the last section of the piece, which I have been calling “Beloved” and the more I watch it the more I want to leave it and try another section before I finish this section.  

Oct 17 So, since I lost two of my male dancers, I asked Brett Parker, and old friend and fellow dancer that graduate from Belhaven last year to dance in the piece. He committed and this rehearsal was his first. Caught him up to date with the old choreography and then we started a new section. I need to think some more about this section, but I’m excited about it. It’s currently the fourth section of the piece where I envisioned my main character (sarah) as simply observing what is going on around her. Essentially it’s a group party scene (think Zach Braff in the basement of his friend’s house in Garden State when he is sitting on the couch) 

Met with Stephen Wynne (my advisor) this week and he gave me two things that really struck me hard. It’s so simple, but so necessary to think about. What are my goals? What are my objectives? Time to think it through. 

My next update will come sooner.

So it was officially the first week of classes— I was excited simply because I got to connect with my cast and just talk to them and see their faces. It will be a good year with them. 

Planning has begun, 12 planned rehearsals for this semester, which means a ton of work needs to happen. A ton. And really quickly. 7 planned for next semester and then the performance in the 8th week of the year. 

Things that are taking place as of right now:

Cast party/meeting tonight with all 13, here is who I have committed at this point:

Sarah Osterhus, Lindsey Carson, Melissa Wenhold, Libby Kroegre, Java Ingram, Anna Gilbert, Emily Roy, Evelyn Bennett, Amanda Bravo, Lillian Brace, Donavan Davis, Hudson Frisby, and Spencer Lee. 

I may add one more guy, but I’m still thinking about it. 

I also got permission from Ryan Lott, the composer of the music in the previous movie clip from rehearsal. Thanks Ryan!

So far it looks like I am using music from Rachael’s, Mum, The Gorillaz, Radiohead, and Ryan Lott. Good line up if I do say so myself. 

Things for this week, start editing my music, meet with my advisors, work on my proposal, and continue to read my books. 

Here is a selection from one of my readings that will be included in one of the sections:

“Brad doesn’t want people to know.” 

“Why?”

“Because he’s scared.”

“Why?”

“Because he is…wait… are you stoned?”

“They said I was downstairs. Sam is making me a milkshake.”

Patrick tried to keep from laughing.

“Listen, Charlie. Brad doesn’t want people to know. I need you to promise that you won’t tell anyone. This will be our little secret. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”

With that, Patrick turned around and went back into the room. I heard some muffled voices, and Brad seemed upset, but i didn’t think it was any of my business, so I went back to the kitchen. I have to say that it was the best milkshake i ever had in my life. It was so delicious, it almost scared me. Before we left the party, Sam played me a few of her favorite songs. One was called “Blackbird.” The other was called “MLK.” They were both very beautiful. I mentioned the titles because thy were as great when I listened to them sober. Another interesting thing happened at the part before we left. Patrick came downstairs. I guess Brad had left. And Patrick smiled. And Bob started to make fun of him for having a crush on the quarterback. And Patrick smiled more. I don’t think I ever saw Patrick smiled so much. Then, Patrick pointed at me, and said something to Bob. 

“He’s something, isn’t he?”

Bob nodded his head. Patrick then said something I don’t think I will ever forget. 

“He’s a wallflower.”

And Bob really nodded his head. And the whole room nodded their head. And I started to feel nervous in the Bob way, but Patrick didn’t let me get too nervous. He sat down next to me. 

“You see things. You keep quiet. And you understand.”

pages 36-37 in The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. 

Food for thought, great inspiration, so incredible to interpret in movement. Thanks for reading. Thanks for existing. 

Here is the video from my first rehearsal for my senior project. On the left is myself and on the right is my lead dancer, Sarah Osterhus. This is not the first section of the piece, but instead the last. I thought it would be a good place to start. I am interested to see the progress from this first video to the absolute final product, compare how it evolved and developed as we too change through this process. 

Music Credit: Ryan Lott

Video from August 10, 2010

Itching inspiration. Incredible.

So, you may ask, “Why start a tumblr now?” and I have a simple answer. Maybe.

I want this to be an easy online way for people to hear about my progress with my senior project. There are quite a few people from my past and now my present that want to hear and know what it will be and where it will take me. So here it is. A small insight to what it is like to be in the rehearsal process and research process with me. 

I want to choreograph. That’s where my heart is. I love movement and love people’s responses to movement. I was researching the human response to movement and here is something I found from a blog I came across. 

“An individual person’s experience at any moment in time is not just based on data provided by the senses, it is shaped by memories, desires, and intentions, conditioned by expectations, coloured by emotions and contingent on the physical state of the body. The reasons why a certain piece may be meaningful to someone, lie beyond scientific investigation and philosophical speculation and even beyond each person’s own understanding. What we can do is observe regularities in what choreographers do and how audiences respond.”

You can read more about this at http://www.ivarhagendoorn.com/

Subject matter and Research: It will be a journey in which I research the psychological affects on a person from the relationships and situations we find ourselves in. Through this past year specifically I have seen some really harsh and traumatic things happen to people and in turn have seen them change completely and the affects spill over into so many other people’s lives causing this volcano of change within people and even to a point where we don’t realize the extent at which it does affect us and the people around us. I want to read and then ask how situations will affect a person’s communication skills, relational skills, and if after realizing how they were affected by something, how did they decide to be changed by it.

Ultimately, this will be a question of who “you” are on this quest, journey, a so-called adventure that we have deemed “life”. Defining and redefining your pathway because of the effects from who you have come across, the communications and the miscommunications, the encouragements and the abuse, the build-ups and the let-downs. After all of this, are you still capable of feeling things anymore? Have they made you numb? Are you bitter? Are you pissed off? Are you happy? Do you even realize you have been affected by everything…

What made me the way I am?

As a kid I wanted to get a ladder and climb to the clouds and then jump from one cloud to another. Now all I think is that’s illogical, impossible, and irrelevant to my life. What changed that and why?

All of this may seem so watered down, and possibly childish or redundant to the many popular aspects of this culture. But, I feel its really important to understand how we are changed by what we go through and then how that causes our communication to change and then affect others. 

So that’s a starting insight to where I am at right now. We’ll see where it goes. If you are in Jackson, MS or want to be around Jackson, MS the first weekend of March 2011, you can see the premiere of my work “You.” With a cast of 15 beautiful male and female dancers on stage not performing, no not that, but showcasing the human existence.